读凯蒂学英文心的旅程 - 访问San Quentin监狱的感受（2） ...

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发表于 2013-5-11 14:24:25 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

他述说着每当他有假释的机会时，他的侄子是如何愤怒地反对，说他的叔叔是一个谋杀犯，应该付出他应有的代价，应该关在监狱里更安全些。这个富有洞察力的人告诉我，他可以理解他侄子的做法。他说：“他只是在做我当时做的事情，他就像我当时那样。”
He spoke of how, whenever a possibility of parole came up, his nephew would angrily argue against it, saying that his uncle was a murderer and should pay the price, should stay safely locked up in jail. This insightful man told me that he could understand his nephew. He said, “He’s just doing what I used to do. He’s just like I used to be.”

我们相互注视着，在一起安静的坐着。这时不可思议的事情发生了，虽然只是一点点这样的感受，但是我感受到了我和他之间的平等。似乎是他的诚实使我更加谦逊了，当我对自己的无知与无辜更深入了解时，剩下的只有谦逊。多少次那些未经质疑的念头让我投射出行动仅仅是由于（自身的）恐惧。多少次头脑在困惑和混乱中挣扎，仅仅是出于它对安全感和快乐的追求。
We sat then for a while in silence, just taking each other in. In those moments, something opened beyond my knowing to fully embrace our equality; it was subtle yet profound. It was as if I’d been humbled by his plain honesty and was left with only a sense of empty humility as a greater understanding of my own ignorance and innocence dawned. How often had unquestioned beliefs led me to reflexively take action based on fear? How many times had this confused mind justified drastic reactions in its search for security and happiness?

突然间，我对这些曾经被我评判成可怕的或者会伤害人的那些人的反感消融了，这时我对投射有了一个更清晰的理解并且认识到自我保护是一种无用功。
Suddenly, aversion toward people I had judged as scary or harmful melted away as I received a clearer understanding of projection and saw the futility of protection:

任何的投射 = 反应 = 自我观察 = 开放式的自我反省 = 连接 = 统一 = 爱
Any projection = reflection = possible “self” observation = an opening for introspection = connection = unification = love.

自我保护 = 分离 = 对失去或受伤害的恐惧的对抗 = 对防止失去或受伤害所采取的行动 =冲突和反抗 = 痛苦
Protection = separation = defense against fear of imagined loss or harm = action to secure against loss or harm = conflict and opposition = suffering.

这就好像那些紧张的(情绪)和隐藏在我头脑中的某个部分深深的呼了一口气，为一个新的世界腾出了空间，不再是自我防卫或者其他的投射，面对面的坐在那，我感觉到的全然是爱。
It was as if some tense and hidden little place within my mind took a deep breath and made space for a new world; instead of self protection and other projection, sitting face to face there, I felt only quiet love.

接着我告诉他了，在经历了四次流产之后，这么多年以来，我是怎样步履艰难背负着给自己认定的“谋杀”罪名。在我的头脑里我把自己想象成一个连环杀手，即便医生告诉我如果我坚持继续怀孕，那些小孩可能会畸形，或者我自己会丢命。我承认我以前是如何自己把自己囚禁在罪恶感和羞愧当中。我是怎样将我痛苦的秘密隐藏起来，好像我理当被“关在自己的牢房里”，用余生来惩罚自己。我生活在噩梦里，我的生活变得越来越可怕，因为每一件可怕的事情发生都是在证明我“罪有应得”。我是一个逃亡者，相信我命中注定要受苦，而且余生都要为我所做的付出代价。
Then I shared how for many years,

after having had four abortions, I carried the heavy burden of believing I was a murderer. In my mind, I had myself made out to be some kind of serial killer, even though doctors had told me the babies might be deformed or that I could lose my own life if I carried those pregnancies to term. I admitted how I had incarcerated myself with guilt and shame, how I hid my painful secret from the world and lived as though I deserved to be locked up and punished for the rest of my life. I was living a nightmare where life became more and more frightening as each new horrible thing that happened was proof of guilt in my mind. I was a fugitive on the run believing I was doomed to suffer and pay the price for the rest of my days.

当我们坐在那时，有更多的静寂和一种无法言说的联结，无需（任何）遮掩，我们痛苦的不被信任的生活赤裸裸的暴露在我们面前。我们相视一笑。内心的感受就像是在认清（事实）后的一种解脱。放下——放下对古老幻想中控制欲，放下对过去的事情的执着或是对更好的未来的期待，放下对爱（的追求）。
There was more silence and an unfathomable sense of connection as we sat there, unmasked, our painful mistrust of life nakedly exposed between us. We shared a tender smile. Inside, it felt like such a relief to recognize and release the ancient illusion of control, to surrender the story of a past and plans for a better future, to love.

生活怎么就知道（答案）呢？爱是如何创造出如此完美的情景和机会让我如此清晰地认识到事情的真相。宇宙又是那么的仁慈。我（竟然）是在戒备最森严的地方找到那个能帮我看到（自我）戒备以外的东西的人，从而（使我的心）获得最大的自由。
How can life know? How does love create the perfect circumstances and opportunities that allow me to see reality ever more clearly? How can the universe be so unfailingly kind? I needed to visit maximum security to find the one who could help me see beyond security, to maximum freedom.

我真正想说的是谢谢你。这些天来有时候早上（起来），眼泪会因为内心溢出的感激不自觉的留下来。谢谢你，凯蒂，感谢所有仁慈的灵魂，那些在此时此刻，优雅，亲切却得体的帮助我们通过回答四个问题（看清事实），改变我们生活的人。
What I really want to say is thank you. Some mornings, these days, tears just flow out of the gratitude that fills this heart. Thank you, Katie, and thank you to all kind souls who are, even at this moment, graciously, lovingly holding the space open for us to see through answering four questions, and turning our lives around.

鞠躬
I bow down…

爱你的
In Love,

Mollie Shea
http://www.byronkatie.com/shame_guilt/
By Laura, any question about translation, please feel free to let me know =p

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